Sometimes I really wish I didn’t know where my story was going. I have such a hard time not giving things away. Not just writing “don’t be scared readers! I swear I’ll help them” after certain things happen in my story. In the end, it think my mind is set so firmly in the realm of being the reader, who doesn’t know what’s coming, that I have trouble removing some of my emotion as a writer, who knows exactly what’s going to happen.
There’s this part I keep skipping over ever single time I think about writing. This part that really needs to be written so I can stop thinking about it. It’s most defiantly a huge turning point in the story. In fact, with out this part, there is no story! Seriously, it’s that huge of a part. I have most of what leads up to it, and I have a lot of what happens as a result. But there’s this gap in the middle. This blank placeholder in my mind of things I really just need to write.
What’s the problem? Well I’m 100% sure that writing it will take me to the darkest days of my life. It will push me into such a state that I don’t know if I’ll be able to crawl back out of it. I have written scenes that have made me cry before. Sitting there, typing away and all of a sudden I realize that my cheeks are wet. I realize it’s not only my characters that are having their hearts break it’s mine too. This part makes me want to cry just thinking about it. This part is not just a few lines or even one scene. It’s at least chapter that will ultimately test the boundaries of my writing.
Why do I care that this point while just writing my first draft? Well because I don’t normally just write a few lines of a scene while I’m writing. I don’t really care that this is my first daft. I write every bit of a scene if it’s playing like a movie in my head. Which most of the time it is. For this scene I have a few lines written just to remind me of what I really need to write.
As for right now, I’m not going to tell you what happened to me, or what happens in the book… Hello that would be writing about it… This is me procrastinating the writing of the actual scene even more than I already have.
Back to the main point… You know, the one I had before the fear took over completely. The whole knowing the ending bit.
Knowing the ending makes me want to make that hard part, not so hard. It makes me want to gloss over things. Make it an easier read for the readers. Stop pulling on so many heartstrings. Just wave a magic wand and make it all okay… Do you see what’s majorly wrong with that? Do you remember where I said before that without this part there is no story? Yeah… I can’t gloss over things. This part has to be completely and utterly raw. This part needs to make you cry. I’m going to cry like a baby when I write it. There’s no helping that. What I really need to do is embrace it. I need to forget about the ending for a while and just feed into the heart crushing, soul shattering pain that is in that scene.
Looking past parts that I can’t write completely… You know because if I don’t get on a lighter note, I’ll be deemed completely depressing…
I find it hard to write when I know what’s coming because maybe ____ would make this better or worse later. For instance, at the moment, I have a character who is just awful. He’s nowhere near the villain, but he’s a total jerk. But later on you understand why, you almost feel sorry for him. I’ve noticed I’m even writing him a bit nicer as I go along… I keep thinking if I was him and in this situation, even if my entire life I was a total jerk, I would change. So why wouldn’t he change? Either he would change or I’m just too I soft hearted and try to find the good in every soul. (Well crap, it’s probably that one… Sometimes it’s awful being a Gemini)
Anyway the point is, while I’m on this incredible journey trying to write this story, trying to fit all the pieces together in a seamless and believable way; I find it’s really hard to keep the bad things bad. I look at the world we all live in today and I think if I could remake this world, it would be like this. Since this is my story, why can’t all the pieces of the puzzle just fit together perfectly, so they can all just live happily ever after? Well it’s simple in the end; this isn’t some five-minute fairy tail. Everyone would be completely and utterly bored if I didn’t have all the crazy hard saddening things.
So tomorrow I get off work early and my husband will be at work for 8 hours while I’m at home alone. I’m going to take those 8 hours, get into my safe writing zone and allow myself to break down completely. I’m going to claw my way through every dreaded part of my memories and I’m going to use all of those emotions to write my dreaded scene.
Wish me luck!